I’ve got some sort of a bone to pick.

To begin:

I’ve never been one to play for only achievement.

(What the deuce is he talking about? Is this going somewhere?)

Yes. It is. Non-nerds need not apply.

Let’s just run through a test scenario:

Being the cool kid that you are, you finally give in to buying and installing a MMORPG, City of Heroes/Villains. You think to yourself, “I’ve always wanted to play as the villain! How positively schanzzy! I want to make a fire-breathing robot who flies and can teleport!”

You’re in luck. You can totally do that in City of Heroes/Villains.

You set out to make the most villainous robot you’ve ever seen, aided by the expansive character creation options. You pore over every detail, from the right menacing colors to the perfect hero-heart-stopping name. Maybe you take the time to type out your character’s backstory, clue the masses in to why your flaming robo deserves to be feared. Maybe you keep such thoughts in your head, preferring to be mysterious instead.

And you’re in.

The game helps you along at first, teaching you the essentials of the game. Soon enough, you’re trying out those flames of fury on some unsuspecting victims. You chuckle. You’re having fun. You announce in the Local channel “Hello! My name is *insert cool roboname here* and I’m a Level 1 Dominator! Nice to meet you!” when you accidentally hit one of the “F” keys and feel like the coolest person online. You press F10 and taunt your next opponent, who you then burn mercilessly. You’re having the villain experience of a lifetime.

Then it happens.

From the door behind you appears a two foot tall cheerleader with a large stone hammer. She has bright pink skin and no pants. Her blue pigtails are taller than she is. Her name is something like “Evil Hottie12″, which is probably the user’s email address as well.

She is followed by an 8 foot tall kitty cat with an assault rifle roughly the size of Miss Evil Hottie12. He looms over your 6 and a half foot robot which you thought was freakishly tall. His name is something that implies that he is better than you.

You are confused. What sort of self-respecting villain would look like that? Why be so muscular if you plan on using an assault rifle? Wouldn’t you break it? What happened to her pants?

You check their Info, hoping for, well, information. Apparently, Evil Hottie12 only types in innuendo. How perfectly vulgar. You decide she is actually a 13 year old boy.

The Megakitty has only typed “*meow*” in his information. Clever?

Suddenly, they are followed by the coolest person you’ve ever seen. Her villainy pervades the area. You shudder slightly, then slap yourself for doing so. Her cape billows outward dramatically as her Zombie henchmen line up behind her. The scowl on her face reminds you of a nightmare. She actually has an impressive name, one that you make a mental note of. “Finally, someone who gets what this game is about,” you think to yourself. True villainy.

As you’re standing there, dumbfounded by the awesome evil in front of you, she turns to you, and speaks:

“nice toon wnt 2 team whn ur not a ttl n00b”

You are flabbergasted. After a good twenty minutes of deciphering, you determine that this is an insult. Which, due the the villainous nature of the game, would be perfectly acceptable if you could legitimately understand it.

They are still staring at you. Evil Hottie12 emotes an evil laugh. The giant kitty begins dancing like an idiot.

You are annoyed enough to reply:

“I have no time for the likes of you.”

Evil Hottie12 pipes up: “jerk lol”

As they scurry off, you go the other direction. You begin to contemplate the fate of the world, and everything comes up negative.

All I’m saying is this:

Seriously?

Now, on the other hand, this could happen.

You have been playing for some time. Your evil pyrobot is advancing nicely, burning when the mood strikes him. You’ve learned the bonuses of having a team, even if they are filled with illiterate kitten cheerleaders and Iron Man ripoffs.

(Though, at times, you boot people who even remotely annoy you, to retain that hint of villainy.)

You’ve now played with “n00bs” as well as the very experienced, and actually have friends on your “Friends” list. You can play comfortably with these people, and they seem to share your taste for portraying themselves in a villainous fashion. For instance, you’re friends with a ghost pirate who only speaks as though he is a ghost pirate.

Novel idea.

Fun and entertaining too.

Then you meet the other form of “cool” kid. You join his team, and he informs you that you cannot use one of your particular moves because it will lessen the experience you receive.

Sounds fair enough. Ish.

You get into a mission, and out of force of habit, fire off the forbidden move. In the midst of battle, your fearless leader informs you that “This is your first and only warning.”

You are annoyed. Okay, for one, if it’s not legitimately hurting the team, what’s the big deal? Two, it was an accident.

You shake it off.

But then your inner villain kicks in. “Do it again, see if he notices.”

You do it again, and find yourself booted off the team and out of the mission.

Power hungry. Fantastic.

He follows up with an annoying “Sorry, but I warned you.” message. You respond with a “Sorry, no one warned me you were that insecure.”

He invites you back to the team, and gives you a tongue lashing in front of the rest of the team.

Now you’re severely miffed. “I’m only in this for the personal gain,” you remind yourself. “I can deal for a bit longer.”

You reach the boss room. Your “peerless” leader has been telling you exactly how to play thus far. Your annoyance level has been building up steadily.

Then your evil plan is born.

As your team discusses the plan, you grab the attention of the enemies. Your team is totally caught off guard. You make sure to use your “banned” move as often as possible amidst the chaos.

As the Mission Complete glows on your screen, you look over the body of your fallen leader. Before he can be resurrected, you ditch the team, happy with your renegade vigilante deed.

He makes sure to comment: “Don’t expect to ever team with me again!”

Truly, your Mission is Complete.

There’s probably another scenario I could run through, but I don’t want to, so ha.

All I’m saying is:

Why play City of Villains if you don’t plan on being villainous?

Buncha nerdfaces. You give villains a bad name.

-Charles